Hard Truth, then Hilarious Prison Stories

Channelled by littleandromeda

The (partially rejuvinated) ‘Ipcress’ ‘Filez’ (Hard then Easy, Great, thx R πŸ™‚

by Sir General E-Azzhad born Triplicate Sunz III , Jr.

1,024 descendents

Channelled by Roger Francis (why do I get nervous even channeling?)

FYI this is an order from Andromeda, to Print this. To Me.

On littleandromeda.com, link to twitter…even FB! Oh what damage.

I might get into shit here, but…oh, it’s Fiction, then, like how Earth Treats The Rest Of The Universe, ‘specially.

Andromeda Hates Graham Francis, 98.2 of The Universe Does, too. And Loves Rog, Rog Sooooooooo Ugly, Graham says, should be locked up for life…really, all the things rog thinks about g is true but the denials are believed, g’s doctor is his mum.

Obsessed with Roger, jealous, Gay.

Roger’s so-called ‘Brother’

He should know better, Aged 50 or is it 49 Becky?

Earning Β£250,000 per year At Least, but when Rog (me/us/him) criticised him for never helping him, Gra-ndma tried to turn him into a |Terrorist, angry to find that Rog, me/us, was already treated like a Terrorist by Powers, ask rog, man, he says he’s been getting tortured by Most intelligence agencies (the closest any earth org. is gonna get to the Most Intelligent now, mostly because of ? (whatever name you think of is probably true, or at least involved.) mostly ‘cos of Graham and his mates veering around London, calling each other ‘blasphemers’ and Rog…get this….ugly, rapist, Nonce, bastard, spoilt, terrorist, spod, virgin, tinydick, mummys boy, multiple-sex-offender-with-family and get this, they say he had sex with Gra, Rog paying, pleading with G to be near him.

That’s not all. Look up Graham Francis on Google. He is the one who works for the Civil Service, job casually called football, tv, internet and sex, all of which G has has ‘issues’ with. Sure.

Roger has many times claimed G has abused him.

Just publish it

on li’l? Ok?


Oh, by the way, like RHCP say, none of the things Graham says about R are true. I hope he reads this. In fact, they are more applicable to ‘Him’ 😦

Sorry, ‘cress, keep it light, Francis, thats the one.

Part One

β€œnow…where shall I begin? With the one where Timmy goes off for lunch break but never returned? Or the one about Rog who never seems to know where he’s going? Or the time Timmy got lost in an elevator near Hebrides, Aberdeen, Scotland, and never really got back?

Two of these are false, but not the one about Rog! Or Timmy, the first one anyhoo. The second one is false, but Timmy did get lost once, on a plane! Or was that Japan? No. On with the story. The one where Timmy goes off for lunch and never came . For which I blame you, Rog! For Timmy’s freedom tho’ it hurts I know he’s free, thanks to rog and in no small part the congressman of Massachusetts I thank you.

Now here goes – once, when Timmy was small, about 8 foot 5, he became involved in an incident called the Ipcress Project. Shortly after, he became my best friend, and remains so.

Did I tell you the one about where Timmy got lost and swore his name was Clarence? For a whole year he swore it, even is writing it as his official name in bible class, which Timmy hated, once throwing the bible out of the window and onto a parked car.

Lets introduce myself, I am Ipcress, so known because of my infatuation with The Ipcress Files. I needed a moniker, like half of B Wing already had, and so the name stuck. Have I told you how many times I have watched the rare cinematic treat AKA The Ipcress Files? Over 300. More likely nearer 500. It gets better every time I watch it. I can do a passable impression of Michael Caine. Believe me, it’s more than passable. It had Timmy in hysterics a hundred times, literally a a hundred. Count them. One hundred. One. Hundred. Thousand Million people is how many these stories go out to, via Rog telepathy, and I hope you enjoy them.

For I have a hundred stories about Timmy Time, which I wrote in three earth seconds but Rog seems to have difficulty keeping up with

1 – Where Timmy vacated his room for another room and got confused

basically, Timmy moved cell and cellmate and called him Ipcress for nine months, annoying both me and him, and Timmy’s warder, named Stanley. Stanley was very fair to us I must say. A Negro. Except for this one time, when he kicked me and Timmy out of our cell, on to the street almost (we wish) in order to inspect the cell for narcotics. He didn’t find any, because Timmy had hidden them in the fridge (remember that, Timmy?)

Anyway, Timmy was confused because a – he didn’t pay attention to that type of things and b – he was brain damaged by narcolepsy…or was it his junk habit? Anyhow, things were sorted out by the middle of 1983.

2 – when Timmy got kicked out of his cell and got moved to another cell, for frequent drug use

basically, Timmy got kicked out because he was smoking hashish so much the jailers couldn’t see him when they entered the cell. He was smoking so much In fact that the jailers couldn’t ignore the fact that he was getting started to get a little paranoid of jailers constant ‘threats’ to move him out. Then they moved him out. This annoyed Timmy so much that he swore he would never smoke hashish, which he didn’t until the next day, when he smoked hashish in a bong. He claimed it never had tasted sweeter. Now the next day, the warder came in and found a bong in the muddle of the floor, which was confiscated with immediate prejudice. The bong became legendary as Timmy’s bong, because of the amount of resin in the mouthpiece.

3 – when Timmy got kicked in the chin for mouthing off to officials during NFL games on TV

basically, Timmy got narked for swearing it was a line call that wasn’t. And clearly wasn’t. In his opinion, there never was a line call to be had. And when Timmy swore, it wasn’t a timid β€œoh shit”, it was a full tirade that the Negro staff swore they hadn’t heard the likes of since at least the late 1940’s, maybe earlier. And the Negro staff swore they never liked him more than when he did that, in particular swearing that ‘old lady time’ , and he would put it, was a ‘whore dressed in a tracksuit which contained little more than her diseased and never-to-be-used-again ‘flange” , which Timmy of course used euphemistically for vagina.

4 – when Timmy nearly got kicked out of his dressing room at school, in Andromeda, in 1847 B.C. equivalent.

Basically, Timmy told this one so many times, I know it off by heart, almost. One of my seven hearts. So there. Did I tell you I will live for like 20,000 Earth years? Not on Earth. That’s what the master plan is. Anyway, Timmy nearly got kicked out of his dressing room in maths class, for being late in English and PE. Surprisingly English, yes, for it was and still Is a universal language, one that Timmy never quite mastered , but that’s one for another story. So Timmy , real name Ykzorrly Zewalken III (almost) , failed to attend yet another class, so got put on report. Age 9, equivalent to 1,400 earth years. Timmy found out and got so narked that he held up the PE teacher, with his bare hands, and put him on the top rung of the ladder, so he couldn’t escape. Then he tied his hands behind his back and made him squeal for mercy. Then he kicked him in the face and swore ‘that’s it, I’m never coming to this school ever again’. And he never did. In fact, he got sent to a special school where they trained fighter pilots, which is where we can say it all went wrong for ‘tidy’ Timmy Time, and his time on earth.

5 – when Timmy came down so hard he promised his Mother, on both his and her life that he would never touch heroin again (at least not dirty Earth heroin, as he said at the time)

Basically, Timmy did so much heroin that week in 1984 that the whole wing had to shut down its maternal supplies to pregnant aliens who were supposedly giving birth that week. His binge lasted from 1 A.M. on Friday until 2 P.M. the following Thursday. He didn’t sleep one second. I know, I checked. I was his cell mate (for 23 years) and I swore blind he’d never recover. He spent three whole WEEKS freaking out that he’d never see his mum again, as he was imprisoned falsely on Earth, and that he would NEVER take heroin again, on his own mothers life. The next week he injected heroin again, and his first words after shooting up were β€œStand up mother, and be counted!”. I remember because he was sitting right next to me on the chair, shooting up heroin as casually as he ever had done before. The next day he wept tears of sympathy, perhaps of guilt as the last of his heroin was calmly poured down the sink, by me. I am proud of that , and I never got him heroin again, until the next day, when he asked me to score for him. I was his best friends, and what else are best friends for? Of course, he took it as an excuse to shoot up more heroin than ever before, in an heroic attempt to get as high as possible, which meant yet another week freaking out, this time with old Timmy thinking his poor mother was dead by now, which, looking back at it with rose tinted glasses, she probably was dead, Timmy, and it’s time you dealt with it properly. Get a councillor, as Rog wisely suggested, via his TV (sorry Timmy x from all of us in B Wing, get well soon)

6 – when Timmy did so much acid he thought his stomach was revolting against him

Basically, Timmy did A LOT of acid in the late 60’s, thinking it was perhaps way out of earth forever. It wasn’t. It was, however, his downfall and for several decades after, he got flashbacks that, I understand, affect Rog, perhaps via his telekinetic link to old tt. Now, when Timmy did acid, he was often so happy for several hours that he would literally cry with love, a ‘cry of love’ as he called it. Until he came down, and then it wasn’t real anymore, then he would cry with frustration at it not being real, until he came up again, normally on purple haze, then he would cry with laughter all night, sounding just like a lunatic from a mental ward somewhere, which of course he was.

When he thought his stomach was revolting against him he was not tripping out, he was sober and looking as his ‘fine’ stomach which was in fact very muscular, as strong as ten men he said, until someone tested him by punching him, hard, which made Timmy bend over double and swear he’d pay the motherfucker back. Which he did, in fact he killed him, in the shower. Bad blood. They had an argument way back which lasted centuries. To consider this, you need perhaps to be from Andromeda which we all are (on B Wing) apart from Rog (a Human-ish Telepath) who is Channelling my words may I say at a slow rate. But he’s the only one who can do it. When this shit is finished, I want it to go out public domain, but of course Rog wants to publish it, so I’ll never find it. My Pen Name? Sir E-Azzhad born Triplicate Sunz III , jr.

Now to finish it, then take a break. We have all summer, Rog. And just as well, the rate you’re typing! Lol! Get it? πŸ™‚

anyway, Timmy did so much acid that summer of 1969 that he became violently ill, and sicked up so much acid, he retched for like 48 hours at least, and then was sick a little bit, into a medicinal bowl. The doctor examined it, and swore it was a bit like ‘a new alien life form’. It was immediately confiscated and examined by the Chief Medical Officer at Boston, Massachusetts, where it was pronounced deceased at birth, from Timmy’s stomach.

7 – where Timmy got so ill he swore he had cancer of the left breast

basically, Timmy got fear off a bad bong one afternoon and became convinced that he had cancer, despite apparently (he had it checked out) being immune from it. He got fear immediately after having the bong, but, after having it checked out, became convinced that he had cancer of the left breast that couldn’t be detected yet. His worst fears weren’t confirmed when the tests came back negative.

THE END (for now)

love, Ipcress

and Rog

8 – where Timmy became really boring about stuff

basically, timmy became reallly boring about stuff where Rog was concerned.He would, and I do not exaggerate, spend between one and three hours every day tslking about Rog, like what’s he doing, whats he thinking, hows he getting on in England, is he truly free, etc. And, in between that, spending at least six! Hours a day, at times, worrying about Rog, when he had a Bad Day, wondering what he could do to prevent it ,was he responsible, should he just abandon Rog, especiallly as Rog told him just to leave him alone on a Bad Day, to get as far away as possible etc. All this was really boring, until NOW when I finally am in the presence of Rog, finding him to be the Soundest Guy On The Planet (!) (thanx ‘Cress!) But all that was really boring, yeah

9- when timmy went to hell (with Rog)

basically, timmy went to hell with Rog he swore every day for a year. He blamed Rog at first, claiming he was responsible for the Hell he feels at the moment. Now, as I understand, Rog has a’Hell Mode’ instigated by the Culture, Tauran Torturers (tho \Rog generslly loves taurans), and whoever from the Government is givingh him Voices or whichever covert operation is, whether they are from Harrogate, Halifax, Malta, or Israel, Or in fact Crete, as Rog claims.

Timmy was tortuted by the FBI for years, he claimed, simulated drowning, presented as games, which timmy loved to play” (Game!) (β€œPlay!”)

Part 2

When Timmy was four he went to academy school to be a sailor among the stars, my friend. That was where it all began to go wrong for him. You see, Timmy got high one day and went to school still high and Timmy failed at math. Badly. And then failed at science class – it was so funny as I remember timmy saying at the time. You see by the time it got to science class timmy was so high off alien acid equivalent that timmy passed out in the arms of his teacher, who passed him on to the nurse, who guessed he was tripping out – you see she was a very experienced nurse compared to the inept ones you have on earth – but I digress – of course if I may call rog francis a motherfucker one last time for stealing my best friends heart and eventually rescuing him all the way back to Andromeda – the nurse played mind games with timmy and found him very skilled and funny and recommended him to the board for immediate promotion, which he got , by the skin of his teeth as I believe earthlings say, after yet again coming to school high – should I digress again, master? Fro for who is the master of myself, Ipcress? Noone. Except of course Timmy Time, before rog stole his him which I still blame rog for – you stole my best friend on earth you see rog, and that is almost unforgivable. Now eh where is my best friend? In space I hope, or dead? I hope not/. I understand Rog who I am assured I can call my friend of which I am rightfully proud – talks to my home galaxy th ru his tves which I found doubtful until I experienced it, thru his eyes one sunday afternoon – remember that, rog? No of course you dont = and of course it will be ipcress tuesday or was it midnight til one and beyond every day or night, Rog? For I want it even if you dont and ive got nothing better to do at all = or is it another famous rog one off? You tell me, Rog. Nw Now. I dont know, ipcress, thats what he said, once again in a telepathic sense, as I worry about splitting the proceeds from this potential book straight down the middle, in the name of Timmy Time, its what timmy would want which rog assured me would always work, isnt that right rog? PS it was Iron Maiden and ive got to go to sleep now isnt that right, daddio? Peace. Rog. May we continue this tomorrow night or is it a one off in which case I may as well stay up………………………………………………………………………………………………….. five minutes later…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….cousin Rog? Ive just been to the galaxy of Andromeda for twelve years in the space of three seconds!!!!!!!!!!! And I have you to blame, geddit? And credit / thank. I would have stayed longer, possibly forever like our erstwile friend timmy time, were it not the case that Rog would possibly nay probably get in trouble with the FBI innit

*ipcress signs out

Author: Roger Francis AKA rog@littleandromeda.com Android

Musician, Artist, Writer. Telepath. Psychic. Schizophrenic. Auteur. Cat Lover. Cheap, Seedy Quality. Undiagnosed For The Truest State. Happy. Free. Poor. Weird. Eccentric. Single. R. That’s R Hippy, in a PICU

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