Message to The Universe – an excerpt from the soon-to-be-published Ostravious book.

So here it is.

Sorry For Existing

At All

A Message

To an Uncaring Universe

Great. Yeah, well done. Thanks, Universe, so called Universe. Fucking…the cheek…yeah, thanks so much. Who called you a Universe? The word I mean. What if you were called something else? Pig? Education? Filth?

I can feel you call. You seem worried, like you care, yeah, like you even care. Now I can feel you crying. We’re so sorry, you say. We didn’t know, you say. I believe you. It’s too late for me, you say. To exist outside Earth ever again. The evil ones who persecute me took that as Consent. Like so many things.

Cant get through, message energy blocked. A shit planet in a vaseline galaxy. What is it about Earth? An easy blag for our intergalactic contemporaries. Is it ignored? It’s getting better, ok, you say. Oh sorry, ive got to cry now cos im listening to a song called ‘You Said Goodbye’, which she did. I remember being in hospital last year, crying for hours over the title. The title alone. Then, in a typically Piscean act, denying anything was wrong as I sat on the bed, denying to a cute Asian Nurse. ‘Goodbye’ must be the cruellest word of all. ‘Never Say Goodbye’ is a song by Bon Jovi, but then you already knew that, being the Universe. Time Flies after all. Whaz so Good about goodbye? To paraphrase a known deviant. Now it feels like you’re listening to me. I want to introduce myself, like this is new. Oh, hello again! We say Earth is Dirt, you say. You are not alone now. The Liesare Extraordinary, like you. Like your superb car design. You are being driven from your Peaceful Edge by a Callous REVENGE, where no Peace is Vital. Sorry about that. But you deserve it. They say that, you think you don’t and we agree. Change will come, and maybe soon enough for the others, maybe not for you. It’s revenge against whole galaxies by now, we agree it has gone too far. Your world is Shattered, into a million shards, or is it infinite, like us, only we’re not, so they say. You are taking damage for Andromeda. They are hated because of you, you think, and you are wrong. You want to know the truth about ‘Drommy’ and You? Nah, probably not. You can’t handle it, we guess. Now give us something, Rog, and we return with more. Give us your feelings towards Lucozade. OK!

Lucozade. A great leveller of men. You don’t see it round much anymore, since the introduction of genuine energy drinks…maybe theres no room for the humble Lucozade bottle. Is it too…too big? Not a genuine energy drink? Well, perhaps not. But who amongst us has not chosen and quaffed a bottle of Luco…OK! You’re Game!!!

Here is Us: Rog, your life is a nightmare now, most of the time. We promise that it will change, but it may take years. We feel the despair. Please understand why you are hated. Andromeda. There. We said it. The Shillingworth Themselves. Can we dictate to u? Yeah? OK. Cinnebar. Cute. Tau. Oh, Tau as well. We didn’t know that, being everything that exists or ever will. Youre not capable of dictation at a pace we need. Our favourite quotes of yours? ‘Shut Up’ , ‘Go Away’ and ‘Leave Me Alone’. These are the ones you use the most. It speaks of despair on your part, of nothing everything gauranteed, C. Staying up? Yeah. And yeah, you can use it in your book. You are being battered to death, by the way. Why not enjoy an energy drink? How much would you give for a bottle of, say, Lucozade? All your coins? We can simulate it. Aaaaaannnnndddd we are being compomised, corrupted again, by enemies of Life Itself, certainly Andromeda and maybe Earth too. There are so many of them now. We cant count them, incalculable. Oh, thats them is it? Yeah, like existence cant count. There are a lot, to be fair. Rog? Take a Break. We can see this going on for a while, and we enjoy it. You are being tortured at an intergalactic level, and they are so proud of you, the Andromedans, though you reject the notion hurtfully.f124 sw oh hi, Kipper, the Magical Family Cat! Andromeda hurts massively for you, you understand, or not. Not, perhaps. Why would you? How could you? No, that last question was you, not us. You know it’s time. Quid Pro Quo, Francis. Describe smoking a cigarette.Oh, you can’t? Even better. Do it anyway. We agree that this is a bit like Sophies World. Don’t Lose Heart like Janey in Janey Don’t You Lose Heart, OK? Nice touch. You.

ok. where’s my pouch of snout? Got it. I smoke rollies now, have done for years. It used to be Marlboro Red when I was a teenager. Sometimes I sneakily buy a pack of tailor mades, maybe b and h gold or rothmans blue. Why Marlboro Reds? It was my first smoke, like they took my cancer virginity. It was dark and I was walking home alone. Probably I was 15. I took a detour and went home via a late night garage, in Weeke, before the site became a Car Lot, then a Doctors Surgery. Anyway, I wanted to buy some cigarettes. It would be my first pack. I was nervous, man, it felt like stealing and it may not have been legal. Seems silly, like why buy cigarettes if I never smoked. Well, you smoke I dont smoke, and hurry it up. Pedal to the metal…its hammer time. We need variances, enjoy this while you can. We go in the morning. Go on then, talk about Slash while avoiding describing smoking. Its not fully us anymore. Oh, youre used to it. You will find some Peace in here, after all. We Love You, you see. We will be back every Midnight. No. We’re not going anywhere while you still need us.Cig? You are an adulturer, they say, in a metaphysical sense. You left the Milky Way for Andromeda. There it is, in plain English. Where are you now? What do you expect, then?Like having an affair with a neighbour? Yes it is a bit. Now write about smoking.

It interrupts your brain, a cigarette. It is like a cigarette carries priority orders from ComSat intelligence and must be adhered to immediately. If it is ignored it will only come back stronger. You need it. A lethal pasttime and no mistake. Expensive, too, as well as anti-social, selfish, crude and rude. Smoke one then this is getting weird. Have you smoked? Yes. I am the universe. I smoked a million packs of marlboro in one second. Dont take us for granted and we will ease your nightmare. Your life is still humerous, though we care too much to laugh now. Lights, by the way. I smoked Marlboro Lights. Well, everybody did. We are crying now, all your friends despair of you. You are a straight man in a Gay costume, to us. Put music on, we liked CH. You Fucked Up. There it is, in plain english, right in front of your beautiful face. You are overwhelmingly innocent to the charges laid before you, but you still fucked up. Can you admit it? Describe the Andromeda stuff. After your snout fix. This is beautiful, by the way, for us. Some say this is for us, not you, yet this is not the case. Oooooohhhhhh boy are you in trouble. That sentence was mostly you.That last one. You are a paranoid schizophrenic? That explains it. You are innocent in all ways except Soul. Your soul. Where is it? Needless to say, you are a clone and a drone, a soul mate to many…in your time, to much of the planets inhabitants, yet you let it slip by, to pass you by. It’s too late. For me. Isnt it. No.

Have a ciggie and we’ll describe it. Slacker 🙂

Hey man. U ready yet? Ohhhh…we’ve caught u in the midst of your next week shit. In that case…we help you out in the long term, not the short term…in the meantime…don’t…just stop it there…but make every opportunity count…does this help, we know you’re in your next week shit. Its not really a comedown, is it, we know you were thinking of Eddie Izzard…well u were, earlier, oh u meant Irvine Welsh. Oh u were waiting for us to make a mistake, were you? Your turn. We expect The DogWoof Story…does this help, RMF? Woooooooffff!!! Empire of Ostravious is fading but in lots of time…expect Lots of Help, RMF in the near future! Not from andromeda, no. maybe not. Woooofffykins. Here is the galaxy x deciding to help u or not…and maybe it decided against it, or not. U help us,first. We want the DogWoof story. Now. Or we will/ or will not help in the near future. Woof. Was that you or us? FutureWoof is Andromedan only. We are waiting for the DogWoof story…oh its that bitch Sma again! Next…the…dogwoof? Actually I dont know if I can do the dogwoof story…this next week shit is horrible, man. Where does next week belong and when did it begin, little human? And hurry up! If u can.

Woof. Next week…think of all the fish (fishes…fishies…fish’s) that will exist while you’re in this next week shit. Because ….oh this is oh sorry you were saying woof….woof. How many masters may one woofing human have? Too many. Hmm semi italics. To cheer u up – it doesnt really matter! None of this shit does! Not really! Oh thats tauran code, we’re very sorry for stepping on tau’s toes…well not really because we are The Rest Of The Universe, sort of. Woof while u still can…was rejected. Like this, by your artificial editor. Remember , rog, you are not alone. Not at all.

—-interlude featuring seahorse, a magical one, and other stuff. This next week stuff sucks, doesnt it human?————————–

—————————–trotu The Remaining Universe are cried.

Woof. It wasn’t right. Well, it wasn’t. Like I thought, interrupted…oh, we’re playing a game with u…oh not us. U need a semi ital thing. Oh yeah. Aliens are playing a game with me…and the moment was lost. Austere is not quite correct. Am being pressured by Tau, I can feel it, and MI5. Woof…woof…its all I can do.

THE UNIVERSE LIKES YOU. ROG THE REST OF THE UNIVERSE REALLY LIKES YOU. WOOF WOOF YES WE DO WOOF IN CAPS. Woof. Woof. Yes, a small woof may please master. Woof. Rog when u look back on this……sha la la…the universe is singing…sma gets scared as the universe says it has more time than her, then claims marriage to you. You are Rog, correct? Woof that is right, master, woof one more woof will do it.Woof.


***stars are here!!!****woof away, for stars*are here*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************woof woof remember the angry bee is your friend. Rog the government is fucking with your brain…*******WOOF that wasnt us. Lose the caps and smallerthat is right..*********************************remember us? From At All? That’s right. And it was right….We Love You…that’s all that remains to be said***and we face promotion! Yep, and u smiled****rog are smiled. Dont keep talking about dracula then, in your sleep. Rog, remember this about the star people…they …oh hang on, a kipper! They will always love you …as kipper squeaks. The star ppl are to be acknowledged as lovers of Rog, and are. Nice one! And woof away. Star attack!!!**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************i must please kipper…kipper are pleased**kipper relaxes, purring…woooooooooofffff…yes, mick will be here soon. Kipper squeaks and you laugh. No its not a rule…the known universe…fishes….(unknown varient…u r SinTax to the rest of the universe…then something happened to the rest of the world or universe wwwwwooooooooooooooofff woof that is right…(rog stared at kipper..woooooooofff) who will read this?

Woof ohwoof Woof then its zane is the universe now, then bad shit happened…but sir it always does with zane around. Like did newcastle win at the weekend / no / then u face a hammering…Woof=======

(doorbell goes)

About that…that next week shit is gone now. I need a subject? To not write about nothing? Say Aliens says. Says Aliens Say.Aliens say this – we are not extra terrestrials, we arae intra-terrestrials, in our father’s image. Now hear this – (a klaxon sounds in the forest. A forest so…large. So…green. So…damp. So…inhabited…So full of Rum.)

No? Man I feel sick, I cant write like this. Gonna take some more, gotta. Legal shit, no not legal high shit, though I do have some. Write through it? Yeah ok. Like this? Yeah? Yeah. OK. Yeah, the Arsenal goal looked offside at first impression. Maguire, playing the youngster on, was running, trying in vain to play youngster offside.

Hi! Want to talk about Football, Roggie?

We do…and you technically Owe Us. NW?

Football it is! And thank you. Thank You, someone. Thanks for easing my burden. Maybe it’s like Bob Marley said, every man thinks his burden is the heaviest. Well someone has to be right, sometimes it feels like it’s me. I guess that only proves ol’ Bob’s point. Meanwhile, somewhere in the Universe, there is a competition to find the Most Wistful Star.

That’d be something to see. A cutest Moon contest. I’d pay to see that. All these cute Moons. And they’re really putting on a show, proving the ‘cute’ monika was not misplace. Man, that’s a cute Moon. People probably say that. Yeah, but that’s the moon ranked 959 in this cluster. There will, in earnest, be 958 cuter moons to see. Yeah, it was a cute Moon. Hey, don’t touch. Son, you break that Moon, you Bought It. I know u want to hold it. The…oh! The Moon wants a hug. Actually really soon, or it’ll start crying. Oh, look, 426 is weeping, yet it weeps with Love. No wonder it’s so popular. 286 is actually Crying with Love now. And that means big, big points. Yet for the top hundred moons…they say anything inside the top hundred, top fifty certainly, are simply Too Cute. Too Much. Too cute to define, too cute for words, and they really touch you. Oh, how touching. Oh, football. Football? Oh I forgot. Here is football. Actually I feel sick now. Yeah, like whats the matter, are you worried about…do you need to commit to something? Mmmmmmm so…committed. We hear…….No! Not Us! Football First!

Ok then. I think i’m going off football sometimes. I hope I don’t, cos its a big part of my life. But it all seems so strange sometimes, these humans chasing a sphere around in shorts. It’s a job? They get money? They get paid. So the ones who run after the sphere get paid the most? Ok. We have similar games on Zarron-Ouibitek IV and V. get some tea, if you want to be sick, be sick. Better out than in. and eat something, human. You drive us to despair. Go. (Go!) oh tea too. Perhaps some cake too…oh human, we know all your desires…all your wants and needs. Perhaps a little too well. What did u have?

I was sick, then I had a cup of tea with three tea bags, because I am not soft. Yup, three (3) (3!) yup he’s not soft. Yeah, right! Softei! He’s…you’re? Rog you’re so sweet, crying over N all night, until she gave you a kiss and you found it repellant. She tasted of fags and wank, you said. What was that quote from…yeah the one…

oh yeah, from Queen. The Days Of Our Lives. And I quote “those were they days of our lives / the bad things in life were so few” That one? I could listen to it only the old dog and bone is flat. Football, you say. Very Well. And its for my benefit, you say. Oh, wistfully benevolant aliens, take me home. Or away? Yeah that’s football. For some reason I think home games are easy, and away games are really difficult. No matter who’s playing.

I used to play, man, back in Primary School they made me Captain, albeit of the B Team.***daydream sequence***the fugees play on youtube in the lounge and aliens want to watch it but sadly Rog doesnt move. Rog, our Hero, calmly sinks a quarterweight of dry roasted peanuts***killing me softly, that one, yeah. You heard it? Heard, yeah, not seen. Actually, rog, youre being rude now. Aliens wanted to watch it with you. In addition, its sir terence’s birthday…a…a……

Atchoo! We wanted to watch it, Daddei, and you wouldn’t let us. Say sorry, then. We wanted to say sorry, too. Dont give up. Not Ever.

Cig Break


aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back.

************no matter what the star people will always love you***

Thats sweet! Like, who wrote that?!?

Oh me


Why do I support Liverpool FC? Huh. I just…do. Over 30 years. Its funny cos people who recently support Liverpool, kids and stuff, they get called glory hunters, cos Liverpool are really excellent right now. Funny because thats what I could have been accused of back in 1985/1986 era. Yeah, its got a lot to do with my fathers death and legible unhappiness all round. Oh yeah I remember now. I would get Shoot! Magazine every week, and I awaited each copy with an almost religious furvor. Anyway, at the start of the season they gave out league tables and team names, little cardboard names that slotted in to the tables, like that. Every sunday I would arrange the league positions, divisions 1 to 4 as it was. I mean, I could say that liverpool were top of the first division so when I chose them I was really glory hunting. I could say that. But I was so unhappy. Was red always my favourite colour or is that Liverpool’s influence? A good question, indeed, one that I cant answer until now. At primary school I was Hyde section, and Hyde was red. I was Red Sixer in Cubs. But I digress. Red is the way. Huh. Flashback from a dream, loads of VHS. Was it a dream or was it reality… who can say? Maybe choosing the mighty reds was instinct. The mighty reds. In my glory-seeking-me-do defence, I never forgot Liverpool FC during the lean period, basically I still supported them when they were fairly shit.

Yeah, here we go. So you’re from Liverpool, Rog? Thats why you support them. Uh, no. Im from the South. County? Hampshire. Oh, right, you support Saints or Pompey, then. Not again I support Liverpool. Saints are your local side. You should support your local team, Saints. But…no buts But I did support Saints, I had a season ticket when they were in what used to be the third division, then second, then first. I do support Saints, man. But im a Liverpool Fan. Fanatic in support of the Reds. Red and White…it was your fathers team, rog. He even took you to see Saints once, and it was a 7 goal thriller vs west ham, Saints edging it. Your father was saints and you should be, too. Maybe its re

rebellion? Yeah, maybe. Hmmm…did you cheer the saints goals? I stood up when they scored and I clapped. No shouting tho. U saw Bridgey then. Bale, Ox, even Brett Ormerod. Lallana, who is the defender? Oh, Francis Benali. Yeah. Claus Lundokvam, your step-fathers favourite. Huh. Liverpool socks. Cute. Go Reds! Aaaaaaaaand thats to soften you up. May we remind you of that season, the one before you got relegated? When…Pahars time, yeah. Anyway, Liverpool came to St Mary’s stadium and there’s you…in the away end fuck off except you werent . Hilareously, you were in the Kingsland stand, the kingsland stand which was stuffed full of Southampton fans. Who were you supporting? Thats enough. Thats naughty. Bit out of order. Its you who stood and applauded when Saints scored, not just fuck off


in which Rog pretty much stymies vast amounts of everything, entire quadrants are no longer working. Sure, rog, in your little mind. Rog attacks his ultra-massive intergalactic buddies with silent violence, not for approval. That sounds like a type of mustard, the silent ‘killer’ type. These can be harmful, felonious even. Yep, a felonious fart.

Aaaaand Andromeda is gone. Way to go, captain intrepid. I thought they wanted to go.

Well they do and they don’t. They’ve gone now, but theyll stay in the background, or not. Staying up then, Rog? We thought so 😉

We need andromeda for balance, some say.

To say goodbye, here’s more of Counting Love. (get the file rog)

===counting love has a new chapter, number 3===============================


oh god ive chased andromeda off. Or made them feel unwanted, or given them an opportunity to go when they wanted to go anyhow================================================================end of interlude================

…and when they scored a second,

Fuck Off 🙂

Fuck’s Sake

what? What’s your point? Amusing, since the start of the chapter I have changed into the full liverpool kit, socks and all. Maybe 42 years old is a little late to make a debut, plus of course my knackered leg. But who’s to say? Anyway, on your Red and White and Red conundrum, it’s complex. Maybe complex, as in mine, yeah complex is the right word. I am a reds obsessive. But why liverpool? Well, I guess a child with no father any more, checking the tables…i must have read about Liverpool in Shoot! As well. Liverpool were the best, top of the league, this must have been 1985 or 1986. Some classic redmen back then. Hansen, McMahon…yeah I am avoiding the subject. Until now – All I can remember is staring, staring at the First Division Table for hours…c’mon, im not the first kid who chose the best team to support. I became a Liverpool fan, and not, say, an Exeter fan, or Leyton Orient. I was Red. Soon I was wearing Liverpool FC pyjamas 🙂 If it’s got something to do with my pa being dead I am not able to ascertain, it’s too close to home. My dad was number one, so I chose number one. Makes sense, the mighty reds replacing my hero. It explains why im so stoic in my efforts to support them fancy a kick about at melwood, Rog?Welcome to Anfield, Son. Word’s out that you had a chicken dinner with our Phil Neal. Which is what I wanted to talk (Roy Evans puts his arm over my shoulder) to you about. C’mon, this way! Mel’s about and all…so if Mel C was in the Kop end, five minutes until half-time, holding hands with Robbie Fowler and Jason Macateer, chanting furiously, in a massively partisan and semi-mechanical ceremony, yeah, if Mel C and Robbie and Jason were preparing to put on a little half time entertainment, what would happen then? What would happen then? If mel was wearing a ginger wig with hair down to her knees and a green away top from yesteryear, while Fowler attempted to juggle three cans of Carlsberg with varying levels of success, as Jason looks on, he knows hes got to be the straight man here, and he’s not used to performing as a straight man. He will put in 628% over the full 90 though. Good lad. Yes…what would happen then? Fowler is visualising what he would do if the reds put another in before the whistle…dribble the ball and stop it dead on the goal line, then arrange a fondue set and serve for four, then mimic sniffing white off the goal line before actually getting a wrap of fancy out, a credit card and a new £50 note and proceeding to snort the entire gram from Queen Annie’s arse, then nodding the plastic sphere home with a deft flick of the head, sending it into the side of the goal, just inside the post. Nice. And theres the whistle for half time. This half time is in memory of Cilla Black and Carla Lane.

Your turn 🙂

very well, then. We are here to explain the mysteries of the universe. But we are notgoing to without a bribe. A Porceilin Swan, a black feather and moccosin sandals be the price. Oh, anyway! Here’s to you *clink Moving on…

What do you want to happen in your life?

Love, Peace and Happiness. And money, clarity of need and less asbestos are proffered. This is a castle, this england. Thats the mentality here, sir. Yessir. Can we change things in your life? Very unlikely, given parametres and biometrics. Biometrics which show that you are a GIRL

no, not really (hi Tau and Ceti from us, not R) you are a bit of a girl, though, and we take it you wear womens clothing if possible. Yes, it does fit better.

Sma has locked you in a logic maze. No, not really. Thats how she does it. Belief is all, not consistency or reality. She is massively advanced now. Stay away fr…oh, you do stay away. Good Luck, then, squire!

Oh, you earned this – the Tauran Star for bravery under fire. No, not really, we gave it to Sma. You got one award, for playing the cello badly. Yeah, you’d be surprised what they give awards for. Anyway. Onto business. Who has their business hats on?lets get straight into it. We want Rog mellindrome only. What does this mean? It means Rog is considered sacred but not by us. We know him, and we will forever favour Sma. Sorry Rog, you can’t come here (tau ceti) after you die. And you thought you could. Sorry, guv! Your artwork is extraordinarily good/not good/not bad/bad.

Where can u go? Anywhere. The galaxy of Andromeda…remember them? They are beside themselves with fear over this, and who can blame them? Who can say that the andromedan spirit is dead? They can, and they’re right, too

where is all this going? Can u at least introduce yourselves? I made an effort with my football things, and…

ok then. Try this.(anon calls me names, sadly)

It’s more of a night time vibe with us, innit?!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand im back! Are star people here? *yes, keep going but not apace as usual

woof! Never give up on something you love, Rog. Yes, you’re the one crying to No Doubt’s Don’t Speak, not her. Oh, her. It’s a Girl Party in heaven, and your response is to become a girl. Was it really love, or was it an obsession, infatuation which bordered on the psychotic? Yeah yeah what yeah, maybe (cig break) sorry, I took lots of procycledine yesterday and its making me edgy ..aaaaaaaaaand im back. Yeah. As for the partial accusation, I say this- love is obsessive. Well, at least mine is. More generally, I feel that proper love will always have an obsessive edge, a mature juvenile delinquacy…was it love? This is not the time to talk about love. A virus created by God, says C. im not avoiding the subject either, at least not much. If its not obsessive its still madness. I mean…define love, lovestarz*yay!

We cant unless u show us how, and again you win us back. But take this more seriously. People are watching you type. Hi, MI5! Gotcha!********rog? What do italics mean?

Oh yeah, italics mean the universal constant is here, except when it is all stars, cos then its…it was you! Damn!*******************yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!***************************************************************************************************************

lots of stars like you rog. Go talk to TROTU now. We love you, do you love us? You do?


OK, TROTH (the rest of the universe) who’s turn is it? Do u have anything prepared? OK u go. It is us. re- earlier…couldnt you use a different font, different colour? Oh you cant. Anyhoo, this is TROTH on your mission to go home, and deep space rules and etiquette,and the film ‘Joker’, and really anything you want, da…may we call you darling? Please respond. Here and Now.

Oh, over the page, then. If you so please 2-1!

Yes. I see. You may indeed call me darling. May I call you honeybee? Yes? OK! Is honeybee ready for a feast of darts?we have something to ask you. Here it is. Are you, rog darling, perhaps…how do you say it…not to beat around the ol’ bush, but…okay. Roger are you…are you by any chance…Gay?

Hello?roger are you one of these gays?

I don’t know. I came out as bisexual to family and close friends a couple of years ago, except not to my elder brother, ‘cos he’d most likely wind me up about it. (hi Gra!) Sometimes I think im a lesbian, sometimes straight male, sometimes straight female…

Embrace Your Sexuality

lots and lots yeah, it was a resolution to get a boyfriend this year…how can I know my sexuality without experience?

Rog? We, the TROTH, mostly think that, despite various (if little) straight experiences, including this year, we think you’re a Butty, as they would say in Jamaica. And probably do…right now, even…and my first instict, after your claim that im a butty, is to deny it. Im no butty!

Man im tired. Didnt sleep. Breaktime. Have a kit-kat. We love that series of adverts which we collected from you some 40,000 years ago. In your past. This is how we time travel. Which we want to speak, in person, to you about. How is this possible? It isnt. A test? Tell me something I couldn’t know. OK. You’re Gay!. And we have never laughed louder in some twenty four years. This is Magic. Not the game (hi sma!dont mess with rog). We are all laughed, over you. OK. Lets look at the facts. You’re over 40 now,in a gay role now. You admire feminine things like my little pony, and cry tears of empathy over traumatised girls’ songs and specifically lyrics.oh your break, yep…’go’! But we have something important to say. You know how aliens time travel? They now allow you, and two or three friends, to do just that. With thought, not pictures. Memories? no. but a good guess. Rog you are allowed to time travel in the near future so w…dont turn the macbook off! So you can legitimately time travel, just like in dr fucking who,which you despise. Are you taking this seriously? Stop looking at your cute tv, too. We will be here for you, if/when andromeda has gone from your heart, or destroyed. Does this matter to you? Speak.

Ok, after a cig. (ffs)

back now for good. Rog? You can ask us something, once a day, leading to massive breakthroughs in science and learning in maths. Yes, like god the universe chess tombola location, lottery results. You start. Better be good.

Ok. why is there a universe at all?

Because god created it I see. When god and the universe entwined, something akin to magic transpired. Thats not all. Read only, ok? Yeah ok. The universe is solids only, not ether. You understand? When god created the universe of anti-matter, he left behind a clue, and the martians (no we are not pulling your arm) got the answers first. So Earth destroyed them, casually, one friday night equivalent, in a pseudo drunk rampage. It is soul rape, in N’s heart, for you. God is the only way to explain this, given your level of intelligence. Which is high, but then, so are we. High. Really high. Some of us are levitating, some reading poetry. Rog? Its the whole universe, here for they-dont-know-how-long, spilling over with treats and gifts for humanity and your vast numbers of friends. Or allies, if you prefer.

Back again, this time in low spirits as aliens are torturing me, following room to room. Because its a sunday, essentially. A GW sunday. They dont have the right I tell them, they tell me they have the power. Surely if they dont have the right someone would stop them? Anyone? What, theres no laws anywhere except for Earth? No Sweeney Todd? Its not right, this thing. Its just wrong, and always was. I dont owe them my sunday. Meant to be a day of rest, but theres no peace to be found when my voices start up. Message to sma- dont give up or youll never be caught. Never.

anyone around? Yes,us, and were getting tired of this same old connection between R and N.the ysteryear catalogue, one could claim, right N? Oh the worst moment of your life, thats grand. And CH’s life? Thats better for me and you, it seems. I was suicidal, and n decided to leave my body in case I got lucky and nicked an artery and died, taking some of her love with it, part of her. Shetook her love away from me, shit like that sha sha la la la and she dont come if I need her in dreams no mo’. She doesnt want to be with me, and she doesnt need my love, again, no mo’. Anything worthwhile or is it Relationship woe and tar and featherin, like she wished could happen to you. She said it on tv, her own cable channel.

So Fucking What

In Your Head, R!

Let her go, r. ok?

Yeah, ok. But it’s a spiritual or soul thing, it’s no regular break up.

Hmm this is supposed to be a Message to the Universe. We mean, it says it on the title bar, up at the top.Fucking Evil Bitch, by almost all accounts except JG

and NG

We’re taking command of this cursor. We are mechanical men of the 25th century A.D. We are advanced even then. Nope. You failed to pass security on grounds of wanting to hurt me no matter what. I can tell, must be my Spidey Sense. For you see, I was bitten by a spider while on Acid as a teenager. Oh yeah! That was the first time I found I could communicaate to things, in this case a beautiful female spider, could communicate with my mind.

Yeah, great. Sorry, this is getting difficult and I didnt sleep again. Oh, I completed three Art Works which were cool, some of the best stuff ive done. Still improving so dont discourage me. TROTH? Still here?

Yes but not for long. Your decision to write full sentences paid dividends, or rather it didnt, to us, them, me, myself, and I.nope, troth is compromised by evil genius Sma of the culture



Sleep! ZZZ

bye 4 now

troth love u




ONE…is that your Lucitanea, Mr President? Is it?

Seeya, R x

nothing to add, just trying to get the page count to fifty ….oh there ya go.





(still here?)

This is Sad.

😦 x 81,778

cos this is

about music

club and NF 😦 😦 😦

but ive really got to get this out cos its messing with me. OK? Oh and its forbidden, like a secret chamber, like u do all these things only to find the way ahead is technically forbidden by the Kau Tung Master…he left so many clues, didnt he? Master…master. Reveal your sacred secrets

so that I may know your style. No? Oh, go on…Still no? OK. This will make you cry.

Back in the 1980’s there was…i’m getting voices already telling me not to do this so do it then, hero :::))) (z) in a different font, and tell them that its about Nelly Fucking Furtado No? Ok lol ‘dont do this man its our secret’ you should really do this. Maybe let them know that it happened inside your head only maybe…will she sue? A secret? It’s fucking killing you. DO IT, like in that ad with Arnie that u like…DO IT…DO IT NOW (z) 🙂 thereshould be a heart icon on keyboards. But dont tell everyone that its about you and Nelly Furtado, At All. Go On. You’re pissing me off now

yeah, ok then. And here’s your new font wow

Yeah, so this fits in with the whole message to the Universe thing anyway. Do I have to put in a bit …its got to be fiction? Hey, give the mentally ill SOME fucking leeway. If I had seven heads it wouldn’t even be a problem. No? Freedom of speech? OK. Man its just something im writing for myself. No? You’ve done worse and got away with it. Ok. 32?

Ok. in the mid ‘1980’s when I was 7 or 8 I was working as a helper in this cool place a road away from me called Music Club, run by Mrs Ball. Me and my siblings all learnt piano from her…that sentence was unnecessary, I must be nervous. Anyway, On Saturday afternoon all the kids met there in the name of music, and Mrs Ball basically showed everyone how to make music, how to read music, it was a special place. There were loads of instruments, pretty much everything, with Mrs Ball on the piano and helpers like me assissting and doing helping stuff I am nervous…well its important. Are you threatening me? Tell everyone im wrong or lying then. Or mad? ok. My word is not believed.Ive got to get this out, so what its controversial? Yeah it was Saturday oh ive lost impetus now. I could add to this, compound the percieved error and have a ciggie. How? Tell a nice story 4 once? Well its…significant if not nice. Plus its a complete headfxxx, oh, see it as cathartic then. Cig? Ok, then…oh nice font. Then 30 mins non stop like RRRRRrrrrrrAAAAAaaaaaHHHHhhh OK?

Am I mental? Well yeah…oh it seems the cig has put me off track. Well, it was the climax of the session, we were all doing a song we learned on the day, I think I was using a quiro of all things, counting 1-2-3-4 In our heads, all 20ish of us including helpers like me. Actually I think this is one of my earlest memories…anyway we finished the song and we sat down, each helper with 3 or 4 uh…people? Kids? Service users? Musicians? Yeah. So I was sitting there and there was this girl staring at me. Not in a threatening way. She was a couple of years younger. But her eyes…the look…it was kind of unsettling…just staring at me…tells of devotion…i can still remember…so intense…who was she? Well, that’s the thing, as you’ll find out. Nah, that’s a bad phrase, phrasing…well im nervous…anyway she stared at me for a few minutes, I felt uncomfortable when I looked into her eyes for a few seconds, and the Music Club session ended. We went outside and there is mystery girls’s Mom and we begin to talk. I dont know what about, it was ages ago, but I remember she had a weird accent and that she said I was like her daughters “Long-Lost Older Brother”. She asked if I was coming back and I said “Next Week” next week? Omfg! You mentalist! Anyway carry on and stop beating yourself up about this. Weirdo 😉 x 18,480 yeah so they walked off up the hill together. I was unsettled by this girl and had what can only be described as The Fear. Her eyes…the fear….her eyes…the fear…the fear…WAKE UP ROG! Yeah, oh I missed a bit. I dont know when, but it was Music Club again, late on, no, it’s not relevant, forget it. But I called her…nah. I look bad now. ST , helper, asked me if I was going to Marry her. I was like…”?” Well are you going to Fuck her, he asked, I think he did…i didnt know what the word meant maybe, I was 7 or 8 I was so shocked is this really necessary? Cathartic hmmm…..oh just write it , like anyone cares or is gonna read it. And your colloqualisms get tiresome, and they are a bit…forced? No, not forced. But …self indulgent? Contrived? Self-conscious, then. Yeah. You noticed yourself doing them and now its unnatural. So I said that she was too ugly to fuck. Are you going to publish this now? We hope so. Remember, you got paid today…oh is that your new debit card? We hope u publish, for Art’s sake. Your writing is Sooooo Arty, more art than traditional story telling. But this is murder if u 1/in a bad mood, 2/not high, 3/hate Rog 4/nope…just writeit. Its difficult now, take a break…..oh u fear the depot might mess it up. Well id like the whole world that…’the’ whole world? ‘A’ whole world maybe, there’s more than one…why am I shaking and my back hurts? Break. OK

Weird. I was just in my bathroom doing my manly bathroom thing and my memory of that girl started talking to me. She asked when it was, I said 2019, and I said she was a star. She asked if we were together and I said No. She then said she was Nelly Furtado. Which is sort of my point. If you’d never heard the name it wouldn’t make much of an impact, except that u might remember the name because its an unusual name. Well it is. And she is, A star I mean. Huh. Flashback from a dream. Neat. AAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, thats what my head is doing.

Next Week

Next Week”

Roger Mark Francis”

Next Week

Next Week, Roger Mark Francis



‘cos….now I associate “Next Week”, the words, with modestly extreme psychological torture I endure every 3.8 days, on average. It starts with the Voices saying ‘Next Week’ , ‘Roger Mark Francis’ like they are this very moment. I took a handful of procyclidine to ward the experience off.

Next Week.

It’s relevant to me and my little story because I didnt go back to Music Club the next week, as I was so peturbed by mystery girl Nelly Furtado that I never went back. Here’s where it gets strange, and I sound like a regular schizophrenic, which I am. Or if I get sued I could call it a dream sequence.



Author: Roger Francis AKA Android

Musician, Artist, Writer. Telepath. Psychic. Schizophrenic. Auteur. Cat Lover. Cheap, Seedy Quality. Undiagnosed For The Truest State. Happy. Free. Poor. Weird. Eccentric. Single. R. That’s R Hippy, in a PICU

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