On My Cable Shit

Cable companies, man. They called me up saying they could save me some money on my i7. I wasn’t really interested but I asked if a new phone was available. They offered the iPhone X (which is an anagram of ‘Phoenix’, credit and love goes to my man Canibus for his legendary insight and wordsmithmanlike skills and therefore attitude.)

Yeah, everybody on this beleaguered, frustrated, angry, lonely, bereft of love, sad, perhaps self-harming Planet Earth (who called it ‘Earth’ ? Some guy? We should know. We can come up with better names…like…Snack…Dobbin…Herbert The Dolphin…Stuff like that. Earth needs a facelift equivalent. Oh hi, Kylie. What am I writing about? Oh…about how much I care about the environment. Also I’m…oh bye. Got a wink though. ) either has an iX or wants one. So when the Cable Company Called I was interested but wary of the price you pay. Wow that’s a lot I think…yeah fuck it I was a fucking iPhoneX. I know I can’t really afford this shit but by now I don’t really care. Due to the belligerence of the rep my only real choice is the data allowance.

I say yes. The consent is given. I get put through to a tough talking Scotsman. He says the deal is imminent but he has to do a credit check. Then he says I need to give them £200 up front and take out a loan for a further £809. ”’Fuck”’ … ”’Fuck Sake”’ I ain’t in the poor house, I ain’t broke but this is a lot. I can feel myself internally generating heat, I feel like I’m in the rays of our legendary but slightly spiteful sun…well you would be too…having to take care of Earth for so long. So I say Yes to the deal, cut the call off and feel guilty straight away. Guilt implies innocence as they say.

Next day the guy needs photo ID but, being a bum, I don’t have any. Oh, man. No iPhoneX for homeboy. I’m so pissed off by now I’m starting to get voices due to frustration and then my laptop refuses to do anything at all. At All. Cancelled the whole thing.

Why is there no Earth Flag? This world has no Flag and this demonstrates the lack of unity.

Typed on my new iPad 😏

My Favourite Shit

My favourite shit on in the daytime is that shit on ITV 4. Minder, Kojak, The Professionals, Quincy ME, The Avengers, and my fave, The Sweeney.

The 1970’s shit is the best. I’ll get to the point – I really enjoy Regan, played in The Sweeney by John Thaw, I enjoy him drinking heavily in the daytime, particularly while he is technically working. Regan is so funny. Drinking Scotch from plastic cups, each sip followed by a grimace which makes one think it’s proper Whisky.

I can’t help but think that Regan often manipulates any and every situation, every scenario, so the result is him suggesting they go down the boozer and drink as much as they can. If, later in the session, he thinks he is wasted, he is the type to sniff a line of posh in the toilet. To sharpen up of course, he’s a professional. Then he sinks two treble brandies at the bar, the purchase of which is disguised by getting a bag of crisps. Regan floats back to his chair and makes a big deal about the crisps. Snaffles a few crisps but doesn’t look too sure, so sparks a fag before returning to his lager, in a massive glass you need fingers like sausages to manipulate. Someone is talking to him but we know Regan is thinking about the next boozer, then on to the club. ”’ hang on I’m driving ”’ best get some white then. Just as well I work for The Flying Squad or i’d get done!

Things Is Weird

Someone once wrote that we are all Universal Beings living an Earth Experience. I kinda like that. There is mad life everywhere in the Universe. To the best of my knowledge, this Galaxy, the Milky Way (who called it that?) is 99.7% populated. Well, it would be. It is a well-to-do Galaxy, and is home to some supremely advanced beings, but generally it is a chilled out place. There are a lot of Fish beings. They look at our oceans and cry tears of pain. ‘What’s the point’ they think, ‘let us take them home’ they are herding and they are eating each other! This is not normal for fish. Fish really like Gorgonzola, the cheese. Fish don’t like Leopards much, as Leopards declared war on a cod-type fish colony for no reason other than they were bored and fancied an easy snack. But they did not count on the cod people’s stern allies, and soon there was a full scale war between Felines, mostly Leopards ( Leopards are the most prevalent type of feline in this galaxy) and Fish descendants. Inevitably it ended in a draw, with concessions on either side. Hilariously it ended with a leopard being slapped hard across the chops with a large earth type fish, then the cat put the fish in its mouth and guided it to safety, placing it in a river.

My acquaintances in Tau Ceti tell me that there are 76,512,561,012,000 Galaxies in the Universe. Rounded up that is Seventy Seven Trillion. Thanks for telling us! It does seem like a lot. Taurans are great, I have spent a lot of time in Tauran Space. Taurans are intelligent, kind, warm, witty, soulful, peaceful and empathic. Go Tau!

Oh…right now, somewhere in the Universe, not far away, there is a being celebrating its millionth birthday. One million years old. That’s got to be a very special party. See ya! R

Darling Nicki

I am going back to University. I shall be studying Nicki Minaj’s Ass. Man…I got a massive poster of her ‘cos I love her stuff, it’s an A0 of Minaj all spread out on an expensive rug, in front of a roaring fire. It’s on my fireplace for effect. Her Ass has become quite the talking point. I stare at it…it can’t be real…it is real…it can’t be real. It is real. My life story. No, she isn’t completely naked, she is wearing a thong,  a white thong that really disappears into Nicki’s Ass. It reminds me to floss.

A workman, the boiler guy, said “she’s got a nice bum”. And she does. But while every workman appreciates it, there is a somewhat less appreciative Mum. She suggested that Nicki’s Ass was really her tits superimposed, and all they needed was nipples. But mum it’s a talking point. It’s staying.

Her eyes don’t look right, they whited her eyes so it looks fake, where her eyes in reality maybe were perhaps bright red, or a look that questions like why am I lying mostly naked on a rug…oh it’s a glamour shoot…for the fellas!  Go Nicki! New Album August 10th! Rx

A Short but Rude Pig Joke

He raised his finger like a cricket umpire and plunged it deep into the pigs arse. The pig purred in affection and pushed his arse hard against the digit.

Then the police car behind him and the pig turned its lights on and a policewoman got out.

In the magistrates, when asked for his version of events, he said “Well…the pig asked me for directions and i was pointing the way to the local tobacconist when…there was a local earthquake and i stumbled into the pig. I was trying to get my finger out of the pig repeatedly when the police came”.

When he went to pay the fine plus court costs there was a man paying his own fee. The man asked him what he did to warrant a fine. “Fucking pigs” he said. The man said “Yeah, i know. They’re bloody filth”

He went home and had a bacon sarnie. And burst into tears. After the sarnie he burst into fresh tears.

A poem of mine from back in the day

Alphabet Snuff – ‘E’

So what where u come from

Halifax to F off to Mc D
I be three older than thirty three
Sky took £88.88 out of five p
what /chav mf I got a degree
Like im doing anything other than fiending
For the Antique Legal Amphetemine
Later im’a get a q of green,
Actin like u an ace u merely a queen
As Nas pull up u question which district with some speed, southside, I believe
Like it’s a who’s poorer convention, I mean
You Younger, nowhere else to be
This ain’t a if-u-dont-behave-u-be-like-Me
My shit sorted, homey, relatively
Recently got out of internal Hell, Hell times three
Bein happy 4 me, I don’t expect 2 C
Kid, what happenin’ in the Winchester scene?
All there is is u lot and dodgy OAP
Nero like want some coffee in your sugar honey?
Back 2 basics, this shit all sounds like ‘E’
After Last evenin’ I was talkin to IMB
Seems he get problems with infinity
Nothing to do with Whisky Death Disease
We’re all dyin, man, feel sorry 4 Me
Certain Gonner experience less than fifty p/c
Either it just lyric or u personal 2 me
If it’s both u significantly shifty
If it wasn’t announced wouldnt give a S-H-I-T
All I really want is your Peace
Fuck that, in Death that’s what we achieve
Lifeless Nothing Void Afterlife, that nasty
Careful who u pray to, homey
Imagine praying to Me
And after the hilarity
Imagine Life without me, that easy
Imagine Death without me, that queasy
feelin u get be worry,
and that car be Police, next a Taxi, next its you lookin at me, age years 20
Another Rozzer then an Audi TT
Punks scared ‘cos the Lawman got they frequency,
Lemmy blames me
First its the Hippy
Then Ravers all High off E
Yo look at rhe year, it 2-0-1-3
Since what, since one Jesus, Winchy
Anno Domini, thats Roman, oh the sacred irony
Yeah ‘cos Romans killed him, you see?
Latin still in Italy, and shit, and muchos legally,
and also Doctor Who’s Perfect Army
Thanks for saying it’s Deep
This is a lot of same-sounding-shit 2 put on 3 Sheet’
Legion links with Satanism, then the Nazi?
We are many, thats what the grams say 2 me
Weeke and Harestock, thats Bus number three!
Yo Rome got Sacked by a disorganised entity
Venta Belgarum was our Capital, previously
When I was GCSE, 2,000 A.D. Unimaginible 2 Me
Party forever i’m not gonna be, you obviously on 3 E
So Kid, into College then University, hopefully
U Dumb like the chosen one u need a trade, see?
Can’t you interpret this as Modern Christianity?
Multi-Faith Behemoth, evidently this a Deity
4 4 Winch Side, u jokin’ me
I already said Peace
Is there Peace in necessary Loyalty?
Shit be straight Treason Recently
Endangering the country, ain’t that the MP?
Our stupidity, heathen beliefs and sodomy
Smell that chemical smell, that comin’ from me
I do this to Exist, I don’t do this 4 free
That chick across the road, she lookin’ at me
My Being in Maccy D afta 10-30
Implies absolute loyalty and dedication at least
Not at all sorta, only here cos of unavailability of speed
Written on a computer, People think I use a PC to rhyme, probably
This not possible, MCXP
Testing self to extremity, for the Love of God, can’t you acknowledge the knowledge publically
Judge me now, schooly, I get injected I stil angry
Fuck this shit who follow me?

Superman Must Be Sniffed, Like A Dog.

Does Superman get High? Allegedly if anyone asks him if he gets high he is really evasive and says he flies around the planet, stuff like that, really every day. Night, too. He’s just a bit tired he says. And his eyes are bright red because…because he accidentally flew into Jupiter. Yeah, sure, Superman. Get as high as you want! Allegedly he laughed so loud a nearby tree got flattened. They say Superman hollowed out the tree, as due its last rites, and calmly rolled a blunt with the bark, conjuring the reefer like a magician. After he was done they say a glowing iridescent green cloud was seen floating across the city, raining purple and gold, silver and platinum. When the cloud cleared a beautiful rainbow formed, upside-down so it looked like a mile-wide smile. Fascinating Gems formed the eyes, which shined like the fire of a thousand suns. Allegedly.




Pac and Ms Man

Under what circumstances would Pacman refuse to consume a Ghost? A Ghost that was hysterical with grief? A partially paralysed Ghost? A Ghost who was fast asleep? You would be surprised at the etiquette of Pacman. There are grey areas, like a merely mildly upset Ghost or a limping Ghost. Our beloved yellow arcade legend thinks twice. Imagine the ensuing conversation with his missus, Ms Pacman. I bet that when he does not bag a Ghost on ethical grounds she glares sternly at him, and tells him that he’s slipping and his Game is weak. Then she says that if it wasn’t for the pills she would be gone. Then to finish him off she tells him that she was just playing him for the fruit. A dog barks somewhere in Connetticut. Barks again, louder this time. “Wake up…Wake Up, Pacman! You were having a bad dream” Our Hero rises abruptly in a cold sweat and tells her that everything is wrong. “You’re getting ‘noid, P-Man. Now Pacman bursts into tears and tells her that he is weeping with frustration. She understands. Only one thing is going to happen here but I will not further defame this yellow Ghost Magnet. Only one thing is going to happen, though. Especially if he mentions his love for critically endangered animals. R 

Andromeda Is So Hard

I watched Pretty Woman last night. I identified with both main characters, the Julia Roberts one because she tries to fit in so earnestly but ends up looking so clumsy, and with Gere’s since he’s so patronising. I was writing lyrics simultaneously, partly about why I felt such empathy with a hooker anyway. Then she fell in love with him and kissed him on the lips, and i’m like ‘Yeah, That would be something’ and felt morose.  Thought I could do something worthwhile so I went to the bathroom to shift some dirt.  When I came back she is about to leave his life and the Manager says to him “It must be difficult to let go of something so beautiful.”  This echoed my thoughts in the bathroom only moments before. To sum up, as I begin to sound like Sam from The Midnight Caller, I think if it’s every woman’s dream to be a high class call girl, then it’s every man’s dream to receive a round of applause and a large wedge of cash after sleeping with her. Nice!    R x

Welcome to Little Andromeda… a Trillion Suns can’t be wrong! But they can be a both challenging and expensive tattoo.

Hi!  Man…a semi-choke is on the cards here. I think its a semi-choke, it definitely feels like it.  All the hallmarks.  Well, it’s my first blog, it’s nearly six in the morning, I need a cigarette, but really it would be quite rude to smoke in a hospital cubicle. Dangerous, too, given all the oxygen cylinders. Given enough time there would be no choice but to smoke, fuck the cylinders. And any explosion. And definitely fuck rhabdomyolysis, arthiritis, stockings I have to wear to avoid blood clots, lupus, pneumonia, chronic constipation, substantial nerve damage, and being forced, massively unfairly I feel, to withdraw from morphine. Prescribed medicine, of course 😉  It was funny, man, the ward had a years supply of liquid morphine phosphate, and I went through it in three weeks. I miss it to be honest. Let’s be fair though, everyone likes morphine, and I don’t want to feel like Captain Drugs. That would be an interesting superhero. It’s blatant I guess, the name really gives him away. He would be incredibly popular at superhero parties though, if our legendary superheroes party at all. He would always be hassled but what does he/she expect, given the name? I guess Captain Sober is a less appealing moniker, like Captain Teetotal or Captain Just Say No, even. Our…yeah I think i’m done. but which superheroes party?

Are you allowed to say ‘fuck’ in a blog? Hey, man, my money’s as good as anyones. R x